The five-secod rule and existential security

The power and glory of the five-second rule

But there's a far deeper significance to the five-second rule that I think McGee is overlooking. The five-second rule is much more than a safety buffer; it is a philosophy of ad hoc survival, a vital existential enabler, a strategy for coping with a world in which, if one took the time to carefully consider all the potential risks and hazards that cluster around every moment of existence, one would be utterly paralyzed and incapable of action. The five-second rule is what keeps parents from turning into some kind of zombie cross between Howard Hughes and the Cowardly Lion. Without the metaphorical power invested in the universal application of the five-second rule, we would not be able to function.

When I look my son or daughter in the eye, shortly after that piece of toast has gone for a little spin, and I declare "five-second rule!" -- I am most definitely not saying that there is a 36.4 percent smaller chance of getting food poisoning per each 110 nanoseconds of floor-bread physical interface. Of course not! What I am actually saying is: "Oh child of mine, the world is full of many dangers and horrors, but if you try to protect yourself against all of them, all of the time, your journey through life will be one filled with shudders at every shadow. Sometimes, you just gotta live." (And yes, I am also saying, "goddammit! -- I do NOT have the time to make you another piece of toast while assembling your school lunch and getting ready for work." But parenting has always been a mix of sage life advice and inexcusable laziness.)

I always thought it was 3 seconds, but oh well.