Neologisms and such

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The
winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets
stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a
grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid & an ass hole.